Hold on to your wallet

Cash Cow DX continues Pixel Games SARL-S’ tendency of developing new games that belong in an early ’80s arcade. They don’t feel like tributes or homages, but like actual games you would’ve seen next to Donkey Kong, Crazy Climber, or Popeye. They were very successful at this in every aspect with Donut Dodo, but not quite as much with Cash Cow DX.

That’s not to say it’s a bad game. Rather, Pixel Games just decided to make this one extremely difficult, which is something classic arcade games weren’t…at least not for the first few levels.

You play as the titular cow who’s attempting to get back her titular cash. It’s been stolen by a bunch of “Pig Pockets” (clever) and scattered throughout five levels that seem to be a cross between Donkey Kong, Pac-Man, and Burger Time. Unlike those games, however, the action isn’t confined to one screen. The playfield scrolls left and right, albeit not too far, somewhat like Mappy. This complicates things, as you can’t always see what coins you haven’t yet collected and from where the enemies are approaching.

The big issue with this isn’t the plethora of enemies that can eliminate you with a single touch (although that is an issue), it’s that reaching certain areas is almost puzzle-like in its complexity. You may need to drop off the bottom screen (between spikes, of course) in order to reach a top level. You may need to approach from a specific angle. You may need to take zip lines or warp pipes. In other words, you’re going to need many run-throughs before you have any idea how to approach each of the game’s five levels.

Also complicating matters is the game’s speed. Donkey Kong, Pac-Man, and Burger Time were deliberately paced; Cash Cow DX is not. Both you and your enemies move at nearly Sonic speeds, forcing you to rely on twitch instincts rather than strategy. And if you find yourself trapped, you’re pretty much done. Although you can find and temporarily use weapons, they’re rare, so your only defense is to avoid collision. You can jump, but so can your enemies.

My first attempt at Cash Cow DX lasted maybe 20 seconds. By the fifth, I was maybe lasting around a minute. I don’t know how many attempts it took for me to make it past the first level, but then the subsequent levels seemed easier.

Whether they were easier or I was just getting better, I guess I can’t determine. But either way, the difficult start kills the ’80s arcade feel; no kid would’ve dumped a second quarter into this machine after getting crushed on the first try.

It’s a shame, because Cash Cow DX certainly nails the graphics and audio portions. The colors and sound effects are instantly nostalgic, right down to the low-fi speech. I especially like that the gameplay happens in full-frame with the rest of the screen filled with artwork you would’ve seen on the arcade cabinet.

The audio, however, is way too loud at its default settings. If this had been an arcade game, it’s the only one you would’ve heard, even during peak hours. The audio is as out-of-whack as the difficulty ramp.

And speaking of difficulty, if you somehow master the game at its normal setting (which is called Easy), you can advance to a hard mode (which is called Normal). I didn’t try it.

So, although the developers once again nailed the look and sound of ’80s arcade games, they didn’t nail the fee this time. Cash Cow DX is just too difficult to appeal to gamers simply seeking a new shot of nostalgia (for that, I suggest you try Donut Dodo). You know those guys who’d sit at an arcade stool and line a row of quarters across the game’s name plate? Cash Cow DX is for them.